Friday, 21 March 2014

81/365




♥♥♥

Time check: 00:33AM

Pinning my thoughts with a heavy heart at such a hour. 
Everything is coming all at once and I'm feeling the emotional roller coaster. 

For a start, I'm officially a diploma graduate at 0800h this morning.
Went to bed at 0300h and kept waking up till I received the text from NP.
To be honest, I was hesitant in reading the message.
So i replied emails and whatsapp messages before having the courage to check the grades.
But till now, I still haven't got round to check the GPA. That got to wait till, when I'm ready.
On a side note, I'm kind of afraid of what's in store for me in the future -that uncertainty- but that isn't the main point. 
Taking a step at one time - Tuesday. /fingers crossed - and I'm thankful for the opportunity /
Granny, please watch me from above

I don't know why but I'm letting this person affect/control my emotions. 
Let's just say, Z.
Everything seem to revolve around Z and i have no idea why did things turn out to be like this.
it's been years, isn't it? why now?
The last time I spoke to WY, I promise myself to let Z out of my life so that I can find myself and be myself again. Things were pretty much positive but now, it's going down, yet again.
I'm so much affected by all the things Z gets, especially when Z isn't even putting much effort. 
I guess in this society, looks will surpass everything else, including character and moral values. 
At least this is what I'm witnessing. 

Z, you truly don't deserve all these given your attitude and character. 
you don't deserve my kindness. 
But there's nothing I can do. It just irks myself because I still have to (act) chummy with you.
I feel like killing myself for being such a hypocrite. 
Truth is, you're my ONLY concern. Without you, I would probably agree immediately but i don't want to make the same mistake as I did in 2013. I need time -and probably, advices- 

Others might say it's jealousy and i absolutely don't deny. It's true & i know it.
but since i cannot change you nor others, i'm going to change my POV of a lot of things, particularly S.
I'm letting you OUT of my life. The only thing i can't bear to let go is S. 

 I'm stupid enough to believe that I accepted you but it's just dumb on my part because you took away my hope and faith. Do you know how difficult it is to restore all that? Do you know how much negativity sinks in ever since the year started? Do you know how it feels like to cry to sleep? It's only Day 81.
Do you know how much tears I've wasted? I had enough and I'm bent on my decision.

I've never accepted you and will never ever. 
Even if it's sensitivity on my part, even if it's my mistake, so be it. 
They said you probably aren't aware but that doesn't matter anymore.

She's right, I've so much more than you in other aspects.
That expression when i told you about IT - priceless - That tone when you commented.
But no, i will be nice and still wish you all the best because i'll no longer care. 

You put hypocrisy in my dictionary but don't worry, I'm deleting it.

Good friends aren't those who will pull your self esteem down.
But, You're just a normal friend and that's the end. 

/take a deep breath & chin up

Because i don't think this is what i deserve. period.

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