Tuesday, 14 January 2014

14/365

The only thing I'm afraid of is the feeling of fear. Fearing that I may not do well for final semester. Fearing of feeling disappointed. Fearing of being alone, being left out, isolated. Fearing that things will be worst. Fearing that i'm no longer in control of my own life. Fearing that i can't get by this year without breaking down or even visiting the psychiatrist. 

I don't know, having no confidence and faith is probably one of the worst thing ever. That kind of feeling is just unbearable, waking up in the wee hours just to find myself crying. Crying without a specific reason.

This is driving me nuts. For the past two weeks, I feel as if i'm going to break down anytime.

But today, I realized that my story isn't the worst. I visited Dialogue in the Dark. The fear i got when i walked into the dark room, especially when i'm the first, not knowing if i should turn left/right or walk straight. The fear of knocking myself or even hurting myself. That fear of uncertainty, it cannot be compared to those fear I had for the past two weeks. How do visually-impaired people live? I don't know and i never will.. I was heartbroken, especially those who had seen the world and the privilege was taken away from them. It's a gift to be able to have our sight, our limbs and everything else. I'm a healthy being, I can run, jump, hop, see, write etc. Why do i think my life is crumbling? Why am i breaking down when people who can't see didn't? What rights do i have? They cannot see the rainbow, I can. They cannot see how beautiful their parents are, I can. They cannot see how great this world is, I can. I can, see so many things. 

I read back my posts on Dayre. Mostly it's all about sad stuff, all the sad faces. All the "breaking down" soon posts.
I felt so ashamed. I cried for the longest time ever but wiped away all my tears and told myself to stop all these negativity (and of course, not gonna read back all my dayre posts) and get back the positive charge. 


Because 'my story will never be the worst, it's just one of the many' 




No comments:

Post a Comment